Thoughts after a day trip to Backend
Hello, I'm back.
These past few weeks, I've been so happy. It feels wrong to be so happy when so many aren't. I'm trying to tell myself that after so many years of being unhappy, it's finally my turn, and it's okay to enjoy these moments. This is all stuff A has said since the beginning, but I'm only now putting his words into practice.
This morning we (R and I) went to Bandung Coffee Weekend (Backend).
It was wonderful. I felt as if I'd stepped back a decade in time to events like Gudang Tumpah Ruah and the below-double-digit editions of Lowlight Bazaar. Nowadays, so many events — especially in Jabodetabek — feel sleek, curated, ultra-polished. Is that what happens when you grow and partner with investors?
In contrast to all that glamour, Backend was messy — like back then. Standing in this moment and looking back, there were so many blink-and-you'll-miss-it blips I didn't know I'd miss. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, yeah? But Backend was small in such a good way, and I have hope we can start again.
I forget which conversation it was with A that he told me about how, basically, there's virtue in keeping things small. Ga semua harus gede — massal — besar-besaran.
- When you start something, how far are you prepared to go?
- At which point might your creation morph out of control, and are you able to stop before it gets to that point?
- Have you planned for an endpoint?
- If you want it to continue indefinitely, then what does a healthy and sustainable and maintainable state of being look like?
The world we lives in tells us that growth is good. But in gatherings like Backend, I'm reminded there is something lost when we grow without intention.
Hello, nice to meet you
While at Backend I was also reminded that to get over social anxiety, you have to ... be social.
Some have mused about the damage that COVID-19 (the virus itself) did on humanity as a whole, but now I realise it wasn't just the disease. The physiological damage done by SARS-CoV-2 was compounded significantly by extended periods of physical isolation. Spaces for physical/corporeal interactions — especially for children — vanished in instants.
As aresult, people came online / came of age before they learned how to 1) be a nice person 2) make friends 3) sustain eye contact 4) hold a contemporaneous conversation. (We don't have a protocol nor societal norms for digital interactions: too few of us thought to develop them). Every plane of existence became worse, with fewer and fewer boundaries to separate different communities, age groups, etc.
Then, on top of all that, we're not trying to address the issue. Instead, we're telling ourselves (and our kids) directly and/or indirectly that:
- It's okay to suck
- If it causes us pain, it's okay to get rid of it
- There's no need to develop a sense of self
- It's okay to see other people as extensions of ourselves
Insert you people can't do anything tweet here.
So, what's the solution? I'm thinking a form of exposure therapy is necessary here. How will I ever get over my fear and paranoia if I don't get outside? (Aha! This is why people in Eagle Country are so paranoid nowadays — they need exposure therapy too!)
It's scary to go out and meet people, but I'd better do it so that I can remember how wonderful it is to really live: to talk, see other human faces, laugh and chat1.
I want to think carefully and reflect and push myself and practice. I want to live well so that my babies can too.
A says it beautifully: Dear cosmos, thank you for this experience↩