Rest is a good and necessary thing for love
By treating relationships as commitments we start to take things for granted. We think that they’re beholden to us, that it’s their job to be there for us all the time.
I’m used to everything happening at once and only having myself to rely on, but because of some stroke of unfortunate luck, I also have precisely the brain chemistry that thrives under pressure. That, combined with my isolation, resulted in a fallacious “I managed, so why can’t you?” mentality that prevented me from empathizing with the people I loved.
I grew up as a means to someone else's end. A purpose-driven life, you could say. My needs came second to the wants of those around me — even crying was considered self-pitying and selfish. I internalized this treatment and subconsciously looked for someone who could do the same: my ideal partner would put my needs first, read my mind, do everything for me, give everything to me, make the necessary sacrifices, wait on me 24/7, always make time.
But that isn’t healthy. The way I was raised was unfair; no kid should have to go through that. That’s not even how I raise my kid. I remember thinking bitterly, “It’s not my responsibility to manage your emotions or make you happy.” And yet I perpetuated that behavior, trying to make my emotional condition someone else's responsibility.
That’s not what a human being is for.
Romantic love and parental love and love for animals and wild creatures are similar: You have to believe that if you’re vulnerable, loving, and kind, and give freely, they’ll come to you of their own accord and return your affections.
Now I’m learning: rather than expecting others to love me in the same dysfunctional way, I should unlearn the harmful expectations I've internalized and find peace in just being me.
I’m learning to live for myself instead of anxiously waiting the next command. As a result, I'm more functional and happy.
Sometimes people are just tired, and that’s okay. Sometimes they just need a moment to rest — and after they do, they’ll be able to give us the time and affection we need. A person needing a break doesn’t make them a bad person; it’s not a character flaw or moral failing.
Me needing a break doesn’t make me a bad person. I can spend an afternoon in bed or on my own inner workings and the people who love me won’t hold it against me.
By giving others the space and time they need to be fully themselves, I can learn to give that to myself.
And when we’re both well-rested we can enjoy our shared love, conversations, thoughtful and artful musings, and coffee+tea.